#147 ~ Escape

It’s a claustrophobic, suffocating, mass of non-entities that consume the space in which you live. You have to make small talk, confronting your own fears as you pass by the mirror plastered to the staircase wall. Your normally dexterous vocabulary has shrunk, until it consists solely of words relating to exams, and slyly, tucked underneath, but writhing and wriggling all the time, are your insecurities and fears.

Except insecurity has become a fashionable accessory to wear once success is validated, like an accepted PIN. You work so hard to achieve the grades to get to where you need to go, yet when you get there, suddenly you can neither admit, nor accept your talent, your abilities, your skills. Instead they hide behind a mask of humility which corrodes into insecurity, until you forget your abilities. Then the stalemate point arises. In retrospect you realise part of the peace you feel, is not an assurance that you’ve done enough, are prepared enough, and confident (just) enough, to enter into these exams, but the self-deprecating assumption that you have already failed, that trying now will have little or no impact.

Shame covers you. Shame at your complaisance. Shame at your denial. Shame at the you who is shaking their head from a year ago.

Why do we allow ourselves mock-humility? Why do we think it’s audaciously outrageous to admit what we are good at. Not in a selfish or proud way, but in a simple fact; just like the colour of our hair and eyes are simple facts.

No.

We shy away, and inevitably hide away our talents and skills.

Morose. Jealous at those who have recognised their ability to gain a first and courageous enough to claim it, and their worth.

Escape. From the banalities of it all. The lies, the deceits, the fears.

When we look back in a few years, we’ll realise there was freedom before the doubt began all over again in the form of careers.

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5 thoughts on “#147 ~ Escape

  1. dianewoodrow says:

    Love this! I have got so fed up with people saying they haven’t done well, aren’t good at what they do.Looking forward to following what else you have to say :)

  2. […] carer of oneself as a child, to bottle things up, put on a good face, to keep soldiering on, or as Death of a Writer puts it to  “except insecurity has become a fashionable accessory to wear once success is […]

  3. Kéhindè says:

    Thank you. It’s really about claiming the truth of our identities and abilities and not being afraid to do that. Mock-humility takes us onto a dangerous sliding slope of insecurity, doubt and ultimately failure. Hopefully as I navigate through this messy period, I’ll come out with some words of wisdom and experiences that prove the benefits of trusting in ourselves and not deprecating ourselves :)

    • dianewoodrow says:

      It will be interesting watching your journey. There are a lot of people out there on a similar one. Again I come back to the verse “love your neighbour as yourself” and how can you unless you first love yourself, which means being honest about your strengths as well as weaknesses.

  4. […] post by “Death of a Writer” really got me thinking though about how often we do say we are living in our insecurities […]

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