You know you meet those people who are epic fails. They just manage to get it wrong so badly. I am one of those – some of the time. An example? After going on a night cycle, a friend and I cross a junction, lo- and behold the smart friend saddles up onto the pavement, whilst I keep cycling down the road, before he points it out, laughing. I tell him – don’t laugh: if you hadn’t made me aware I would’ve continued to cycle into on-coming traffic. But what about the headlights he asks. In a sombre voice I reply, I would genuinely have spent the time admiring the diamonds in the distance as they got larger and larger. He laughs unaware how serious I am.
Another example of the special qualities that are like a highlighter to dull coloured hair, emphasising the uniqueness of my character? As a huge Lord of the Rings fan ( It’s all about Aragorn ladies), I have watched the extended edition countless times. In fact I sometimes dream about it. My first ever success in Public Speaking was based on a speech inspired by it. I’m studying English Literature partly because of the intoxicating, exhilarating and all encompassing emotions that overwhelmed me when I first read it. I not only have the official LOTR book and film collection (all collectors edition) but I also have the Simarillion and the Children Of Hurin, published after Tolkein’s death. I got excited about Medieval Literature when I found out Tolkein was a scholar and had translated the official exam edition of Sir Gawain and The Green Knight. I began to hyperventilate the first time I saw the Hobbit trailer over Christmas. I missed most of it and had to watch it again. I think by now you see my levels of keen. So, a friend tells me, Google, in response to all the memes going about has made their own. If one types into Google walking directions, The Shire, to Mordor, below it states: Take Caution, one does not simply walk into Mordor *all Boromir fans chortle as our beloved yet slightly deranged Gondorian soldier is immortalised in internet memes, Hurrah for Gondor!*
I was exceedingly excited to try this out for myself. But wait, the epic fail characteristic has flared its head. What do I type in, pregnant with expectation and excitement?
[Insert current real time location as starting place], to Mordor.
That’s right. I thought I could walk to Mordor from where I actually live. Yes, I realise that Middle Earth and Mother Earth are two separate entities, one fact the other fiction, but this is what I mean. I seem almost incapable of booking coach tickets home, and thought for 2 years, 2 whole years, that Funky Dee was singing – Oi you are you in a band? Are you in a band? And every time the tune played I responded – not yet, but one day! It was my hope, until i realised he was asking me if I was going to bang…awkward moment, but I suppose the answer will remain the same until wedding bells ring.
So, instead of trying to shy away from my epicness I have decided to embrace it. And embrace it with style. The next time someone reminds me how much of an Epic Fail I have committed, I shall sigh with satisfaction and reply:
Ahh yes. Epic like Homer, or rather, so Epic like Milton, one can never do it again.
*To all those who do not study English – the fact that you don’t is an epic fail, because you will have no idea the epicness of my current fail.*