Monthly Archives: February 2012

#60~ Daydreamer

It’s like hallucinating whilst your sober, stone-cold clean awake. The desires of your mind conjure an image, evoke a wish, a musing which transpires into an almost realtime authentic experience, sensation. You see your self in the coffee shop smiling, making quaint responses to conversations. You feel the bridge of your nose crack and taste the heat of the salty blood as it runs like wet paint over your face. Your rock gently to the beat of a soft groove, and your eyes flick across to the empty spot by the mirror, which in your mind is taken up by that mysterious figure whose identity changes depending on your fancy. The daydreams become so vivid, so overpowering, that as your eyes trace printed letters, your mind is reading the ticket stub for the imagined film you’re going to watch. Two parallel universes invade your line of sight, and it becomes hard to distinguish the feeble line of demarcation, or even where the initial spark of an idea came from.

It grows wings and before you know it soars. When you meet that situation once more in reality, you struggle to accurately remember what was imagined and what took place. Did we or did I?

We fall in love, hatred, get excited and nervous about a fictive experience. We bathe in the glory of a self-created victory, or cower in a self-inflicted nightmare. When the event that we’ve imagined, conjured, considered does finally appear, it seems to be in disguise. It’s less glamorous, painful, awkward, jaw-dropping. Your stomach doesn’t flip, your lungs don’t give out, your mouth doesn’t smile.

Yet sometimes you wonder. Did I bring this situation on myself? Is it a question of being careful what you wish for? In the regular daydreams, have you insinuated, implied or suggested something in the reality? Or is it, that when confronted with the truth, the hard facts that sit across from you sipping Ribena, or Cranberry, it is less desirable, more  mundane with a waning significance?

Struggling to live in the Now. So difficult, but the reward of clear sight appears so delectable.

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#59~ Life Lesson No.7

You are stronger than you think. HE is stronger than you realise.

#58 ~ EAT ME

It’s all about you. If the world was condensed into a hazelnut that you could hold in the palm of your hand, it would be looking to you for sunshine and moonlight. Day and Night. It wouldn’t even have to revolve, just being connected to you is enough to sustain it. Though there is no I in TEAM, there is ME, and so we regularly take a concerted group effort and scale it down to the individual. It’s about how hard I push, how well I can breathe. I’m the one who makes or breaks it. Without ME there would be no TEAM.

As self-indulgent and pervasive as that idea is, it falters on the slim premise of confidence. The confidence of being the best, and therefore fearless. Yet when you do fear, when the mountain of your inadequacy confronts you, how do you survive and still race the race? How do you still put on the power, pull in the finishes and bring the cup home?

An asthmatic, I often tell my friends, if someone was chasing me to mug me, after 200m’s I would turn, hold up my hands, and say in a panting-snot-dripping-phlegm-hacked voice “Take me now. I surrender. Just let me use my Inhaler.”

You EAT ME, you TAME ME and eventually turn it into WE. I of my own strength can do nothing. An asthmatic, I often tell my friends, if someone was chasing me to mug me, after 200m’s I would turn, hold up my hands, and say in a panting-snot-dripping-phlegm-hacked voice “Take me now. I surrender. Just let me use my Inhaler.” I have no shame in admitting it. It’s not even that my asthma is that bad. To be honest, I have no idea where I stand on the breathless scale, but in terms of mental strength, that ‘illness’ is a weakness i gladly exploit when the going gets tough.

It stems from a fear of failure. The fear, that if I don’t perform I need an excuse. It’s not that I inherently am bad, only handicapped, disadvantaged in someway. You may judge me, but we all have our vices. Be it our appearance, the quality of our grades, our marital/relationship status, our gender, ethnicity, height, weight, beauty or lack of, we disable ourselves when we think it is to our benefit, and helps to retain some respect in the eyes of others.

We view the world externally. What do they think of me? The truth is they aren’t thinking of you. It’s time I turned my eyes inwards, saw the strength and potential within and exercised it to the best of my abilities. It’s time I took every breath as an act of thanksgiving. I’m not dead yet so I must have a bit more to give, so now let me give it.

Trying to make every second count as an act of worship.

To do that you can’t be staring at your own reflection. You have to remember, giving thanks, is a gesture towards someone else. It is an external acknowledgement of something greater, which should remind us of the greatness within.

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#57~ Exhaustion

It’s one of the worst feelings when, after trawling through pages of incomprehensible critical jargon and conjectures you finally find a piece that sums up your initial inclinations. At that point Exhaustion knocks on the door, kindly explaining to you how the process of Time works. Time, you see, runs on a negative scale moving down until it reaches the End. You, on the other hand, naively wish to be running on a positive scale, with more seconds, hours and days added to your finite deadline. The real dilemma, however, rests in the domain of Sleep. Sometimes she makes you more productive, removing the kinks in your muscles, massaging the headaches that cramp your brain, and filling you with invigorating inspiration. Other times, when her cycle is a bit off and you rouse from her slumber too early, she induces an all-encompassing lethargy. It slides slowly down your bones like adamantium. It weighs you down, blinds your eyes and creates an atmosphere of ennui.

But my bed is calling to me, with the seductive whisper of productivity in the morning. And i am too exhausted (remember, exhaustion is relative and subjective), to resist her temptations any longer.

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#56~ Life Lesson No.6

Don’t let your passion become your burden.

#55~ Get Out the Balance

There are those days when, as beautiful as the shining sun is, as peaceful as your room, as delectable as the book your reading is, and as energised as your exercised body feels, you need to escape. A prison of luxury and peace surrounds you. We enter into the picturesque world we constantly dream about, only to find it a glass cage, sealed, claustrophobic and unrelenting in its ‘perfectionism’.

I had to get out. My eyes were closing on the swarming black print, the sun was bearing down on me and I could feel my skin rising in a heat-rash, prickly like a baby hedgehog. I felt stale, dirty and trapped. So I left. Once my class was done I strapped the helmet on my head and cycled along the river path away from the University, lectures, and the essay waiting for me.

At the beginning there was this manic impetus to move. My thighs were rising and falling, feet creating looping circles, i was barely looking where I was going; on coming traffic was a last-minute reflection. My eyes seemed to have closed on their own accord, I just needed to move. Around 5 minutes in the latent lactic acid from this mornings row started to say hello, and a few groans escaped my mouth. I knew I wasn’t tired, but mentally, mentally I was…drained? Void? Vacant?

I find it funny to think how my friends over here think of me. In actuality I like to be alone, be quiet, on the outside looking in. I don’t feel a need to always be in a group. But for some reason i do seem to be the one that talks a lot, tries to gel the vibe, make things flow. To get away from that and just be on my own again, but my own within the outside world, it was like a release.

My mind floated away from me, my eyes lost their focus and wandered, conjecturing pasts, futures and parallel presents.

To simply break away, even for a few minutes, was a release much-needed.

Loosing control, yet rediscovering the balance.

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#54 ~ Rise

Rising above the currents of self-inflicted inadequacy

Coasting on the crests of ludicrous imaginativity

Day-dreaming into present oblivion

Until far away i find me

At 6.15, rolling on the shores

of my own creativity

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